Cycle of no control

Okay this wait is now ridiculous! Most people only wait 4 weeks for TA. We are now on week seven and nothing! The 20th is no longer an option. Now I am hoping for the 27th but just don't even know if that will work. I don't ever recall feeling so miserable for so long. Even after Ava died. I had a couple of really rough days but it was done. There was nothing I could do but look towards my future. And that was how I survived. But now my future is very obscure. Is this really going to work out? My heart hurts even thinking about it. I keep finding myself in a cycle. It starts with self-pity. Wasn't it enough to lose my baby? Isn't it enough that I've had to wait two years? Isn't it enough we had to go through so much to get a referral? Why on this very last step does everything have to stall. Then I get angry: If this wasn't going to work than why even pursue the adoption? I can't stand the thought of Haylee in the orphanage one day longer than she has to be. And then I feel resignation. I need to accept whatever happens. Which is usually followed by peace. God has a plan for me and my family and I need to accept his will. This will work out. There are things at work that I don't understand but all will be for my good. I try to keep myself in that last mindset but it is hard. I am often discouraged and feel as though I can't go on. But when I ask for peace, I have been given peace. I know that I have not walked this path alone. He is with me every step of the way and he understands my sorrow and my longing. I have faith that in the end it will all make sense. One of my favorite scriptures is in the Doctrine and Covenants 123:17. "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power, and then may we stand still, with utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed." I believe that if I am patient all will work out.